IVF Week 1

IVF.

This has been something I have feared for some time, and now that I am actually in the thick of it and shooting myself up every morning with who-knows-what, I am seeing that it is not as bad as I had thought it would be.  Most days... :)

Mark Twain said, "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." 

I am trying so hard to look to the future with eyes of faith and to stay positive! And something that helps me the most through trials, is to find humor in it.  Because let's be honest, if I can't laugh about it I am crying. And my mom always says, "If we have to be here (on planet earth), we might as well have fun!" 

So, I thought it might be fun, and help get my mind off of my craziness, to journal my experiences as I undergo treatments for IVF this month.  I want to remember these experiences, especially the funny ones, that have happened so far.  So here we go!!!

I went in for a water ultrasound last week.  It was a cold, wet day, and I had decided to dress warm.  Go figure.  I had on jeans and a sweater, a beanie, a coat, and YEP, you guessed it, my knee-high rubber Hunter boots. And what does she ask me to do? STEP ON THE SCALE. You are kidding me, right? Why I didn't have the wherewithal to shed some layers is beyond me, but I didn't.  That was mistake number 1. Mistake number 2, you ask? Looking down at the number on the scale.  I was wearing TEN POUNDS of clothing.  That may not seem like much to some of you, but when you are 5'10" and already weigh a lot because of your height, you never want to weigh more than you absolutely have to.  Depressing.  And to follow that up I had to "undress from the waist down," per usual, and get completely violated.  Which, in the end, wasn't all that bad, either.  In fact, the worst part of that visit was the blood draw.  I'm usually completely fine getting my blood drawn, but she must've hit a nerve or something and MAN, I was hurting.  Has anyone ever had that before where it literally hurts the entire time they are drawing blood? No fun.  Then they sent us in for our Plan of Care meeting where she handed me a color-coded calendar of all the meds I need to take and when to start and stop them and when to go in for ultrasounds and more blood work and when to have my eggs "retrieved" and when to stop exercising and blah blah blah.  Holy run-on sentence! It was a bit much.  When she asked if I had any questions I was like, "Ummm... yeah.  I'm just not sure what they are yet..."

She then explained to me that she had ordered our drugs and they would be coming in the mail, and yep, they did.  A huge box of highly expensive drugs and syringes.  Anybody who has received this box before knows how overwhelming it looks.  We've sort of sorted through it and kind of know what everything is at this point.  Kind of.  

I had to start my shots last Sunday morning, which meant that I did not sleep a wink on Saturday night.  I was sick to my stomach I was so nervous.  And to add insult to injury, I had to teach Relief Society at 8:30am.  I. Was. Frazzled.   In fact, I'm not exactly sure who even taught my lesson.  I'm fairly certain it was an out of body experience.  But back to the shots, I posted a video of it to my story on Instagram, and I was pretty proud of myself for being such a big girl and not crying. haha So that was great! Yet again, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. 

However, let me be perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT MY FIRST CHOICE! I do not enjoy the shots, thank you very much. (I have yet to meet someone who does enjoy shots!)  But, I am putting on my big girl panties, which seem to be getting tighter due to excessive amounts of bloat, and I am checking days off the calendar.  

One day in particular, after Cory had given me the shot, he told me I was his hero.  Silver lining.  As much as this stinks, I try hard to find the positive in all of it. Our relationship as been strengthened and he's had to pick up a lot of slack, and for that I am so grateful! 

So let's talk about these drugs for a minute..  The ones I am on right now are hormone suppressors.  Don't ask me why.  At this point, I am doing as I am told. But OH MY GOODNESS am I tired. The first few nights I found refuge as I slept like the dead, but a new symptom of no sleeping has set in, and I must say, the sleeping was much more fun..  Oh, and go figure, but ever since I've had a hard time sleeping, I have also had a harder time being nice. So now the cranky and intolerable side of me has begun to take over.  Joy! It's just getting more fun by the minute.  

That being said, I never thought I would be at this point.  I am a week into shots, and lo and behold, I am still alive, like so many other women before me.  Lucky for me, I tend to save my outbursts for my hubby (not so lucky for him!).  We've hung out with friends and I haven't snapped at anyone yet.  Go me!  Is it bad to say that I am so proud of myself??  

Cory and I decided to hit up the gym this week because I just want to feel normal.  "Let's work arms," he said.  "I'll help you," he said.  When we got there, he decided to do a "warm up" of push-ups, and of course, I was supposed to follow.  I stuck with the "girl" push-ups so I could actually do a few, and seriously, after like 10, I was pooped.  I was gazing off in to the distance and trying so hard just to keep my eyes open.  It was a doozy.  

We proceeded to work Bis and Tris, and I was sort of able to get my wits about me and finish, but by exercise number 3 I knew I was done.  It was almost like I could feel the tears trying to punch through my eyeballs. We went home. 

Home.  My safe haven. 

Another thing that I have found is that I lose my train of thought.  It's a blast! Like mid sentence with someone and the thought has flown out of my mind and I have to say, "Sorry, I lost my train of thought." Truly. It was super fun in church today when I raised my hand to say something in Sunday school and I was scrambling for words because I forgot what I was going to say.  I almost had to ask him what the question was again, but thankfully the thought was kind enough to come back.  Phew.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, and maybe I am! 

One of the things I have found that has helped me the most, is taking care of me.  If I am tired, I sleep. If I want to take a 2 hour bath (two times a day), I do! If I want to order a large coconut ice cream for myself and not share, I do.  If I don't want to see anyone, I hide.  If I just want to hang out with my mom, I do.  It may sound selfish, but I'm really listening to my body and trying hard not to overdo it.  And recognition is key for me.  If I can recognize my mood in time, I warn Cory not to cross me.  That also seems to help both of us, and helps keep him out of the line of fire.  :)

I've got one more week of just one shot, and beginning next Sunday, it'll be three a day.  So I guess I'll just count my blessings that it is just one this week and I'll try and live it up.  I mean, it is our anniversary, after all! Which means I'm going to have to try my best to be up to par and do a lot of self-talk.  Self- talk helps a lot too.  

Another good thing that happened this week- my dad got Snap Chat! So there's that. 

Welp, I am signing off to go take care of me.  I'm feeling the Sunday night blues and I feel like I might just snap and bawl at any second. Adjectives I would use to describe myself tonight?? Weepy. Overwhelmed. Cranky. Needy.  But mostly just downright fussy. I am a fuss budget.  THANK GOODNESS today (or this month!) isn't forever! 

Here's to hoping this next week goes smoothly for all of us! 

Em