IVF Weeks 4 & 5

I realize I have been somewhat of a slacker lately, but to be completely honest, I have not had the wherewithal to sit and write.  So I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and sum up the last two weeks in one post.  They've been quite a doozy... :)

Week 4 I had my egg retrieval.  That was the biggest doozy of all.  Except for the anesthesia.  That was absolute heaven.

I was one day ahead of schedule, which ended up being a great blessing because it was one less day of feeling like my ovaries were pregnant.  I had gone in on Monday morning for another ultrasound and blood work and they told me to give myself a trigger shot that night, which is HCG and basically releases the eggs so that the doctor can go in and get them.  36 hours later, on Wednesday morning, we went in for the retrieval.  I was SO nervous, but anxious and excited to see how many eggs they were going to get and how many would fertilize.

I remember going into the room (pictured below!) and seeing this bed and them telling me to put my gown on and to keep it open in the back.  Classic.  I did as I was told and I laid my tired little head right on down.  They stuck the I.V. in my wrist, which didn't feel super great, and then the doctor came in and started talking to me and all of a sudden the ceiling was moving and things were spinning and I was blissfully unaware of what was about to take place- thank the high heavens!

I'm not exactly sure what the procedure is like, as I was in dreamland the whole time, but from what I understand, they go up with a needle and aspirate all of the egg follicles, which basically forces the egg into the needle.  Does that even make sense? All I know is that I felt like I had just fallen asleep when the doctor asked me if I could walk to the recovery room.  I was like, "Um, no.  I can't even move!" I felt like my entire body was painted on to that bed and I didn't want to be bugged.  He asked again, and helped me up, and I literally was hanging on him as he was walking me in to recovery.  Did I mention he was kind of a dream boat?  He was so sweet he almost gave me cavities (I think he was the anesthesiologist).  Anyway, the minute I came off the anesthesia and realized what a sight I must have been with my gown opening in the back and me looking like a drunk on his arm, I was mortified.  Why, though?  For the last 45 minutes he had been where the sun don't shine, so why was I so embarrassed that he saw my butt?? I laugh every time I think of it.  A girl gets no privacy, I tell you.

I was all sorts of fun when I was drugged.  They even told me what a fun drunk I'd be.  I told them how much I loved the feeling and they told me how Michael Jackson did, too.  So much so that it killed him.  Buzz kill.  But anyway,  they plopped me down in my recliner, set a massive heating pad over my belly (which was glorious), and then they proceeded to tell me important information, assuming that I would remember it.  I'm like - HELLO! I AM ON DRUGS! I did remember some, but definitely not all.  I had to revisit some of the videos Cory took of me so I could hear what the doctor was saying in the background.

They told us that they had retrieved 23 eggs and that everything had gone perfectly.  That was such a relief.

I really wanted to have cute hair through all of this, so I decided that it would be a good idea to go to my appointment right after the retrieval.  I walked through the door hanging on Cory and she was like, "Are you sure you want to do this?"  I was like, "Yeah..." And I stand by what I did.  I could've sat at home tired and sore or sat in the chair and been beautified.  I chose the latter. :)  Although, I do have to say, the anesthesia started wearing off as I was sitting there and that was not a pretty thing.  I did not know something could hurt that bad.

They basically told me that my ovaries would shrink because they'd taken all the eggs out, but that then the follicles would fill back up with fluid, that would then leak out into my abdomen,  and would take up to three months to go down to normal size, which is about 1 inch in diameter.  At that point, mine were the size of oranges.  I was dying.  The doctor was like, "Yeah,  you should feel no worse tonight than you already have." Liar liar, pants on fire.  He told a falsehood.

Sitting on the toilet was excruciating.  So was climbing stairs, laughing, moving, and breathing.  That first night was the night from hell.  And the first few days following the procedure were nothing short of a blast, but things were looking up every day and I finally don't feel like I am 6 months pregnant with orange sized ovaries. That week was a major doozy, but at least I had a fresh cut and color. :)

They called us the day after, on Thursday, to give us our assessment.  19 out of the 23 eggs were mature, and 18 out of the 19 fertilized.  I was ecstatic.  I prayed so hard for those embryos.

On Saturday they called again to give us another update.  All 18 embryos were still alive and growing, and 15 of the 18 had grown over 6 cells, which is what they want them to be over.  Again, ecstatic.

When we went in to our transfer appointment on Monday, which is where they put the 5 day old embryos in, they told us that we had 4 perfect embryos, and 3 that they weren't sure would be able to be frozen.  They had to watch them for another day.  I was sad to hear that most of the embryos had arrested, but my doctor assured me that 2/3 of them do between days 3 and 5.  He was thrilled we had 7!  Then he asked us how many we wanted to insert, and we told him two.  His eyebrows shot up and he was like, "Are you sure??" And we were like, "Yes?" He said our embryos were perfect, and if we put two of the top ones in, then our chances of twins were 40% and our chance of them splitting was 1/100.  (He had originally told us it was 1/500!)  Cory asked him about putting one of the 4 perfect ones in, and one embryo that was lagging a bit, and the doctor suggested we do that.  I was happy with that, because that left us with at least 3 frozen ones for the future, if the other ones didn't live. And he told us that the best chance that embryo had of living was being inside of me. So that we did! They called me the next day to let me know that the other lagging embryos had continued to grow and they were able to freeze all 5.  What an answer to prayer!  And I was reassured that the embryo we had put in had probably continued to grow as well.  I want twins!

The transfer went beautifully.  They have you take a Valium before, which was absolutely wonderful, and then they tilt you downward a little, put your legs in stirrups (that were fleece lined, no less! What a dream!), shine a bright light where a bright light should never be shone, and then on a little screen in the corner of the room, they have an embryologist picking up your embryos and he walks them in from the room next door.  It was amazing.  And it was a total party: Cory, the nurse, my doctor, the embryologist all looking down there.  I literally could not have cared less, but a younger me would've been mortified.  We've come a long way. :)

Then they showed me the tiny little air bubbles on the ultrasound machine that is where they put the embryos in my uterus.  I almost cried thinking of them being inside of me.  I've said that IVF is the least romantic way to conceive a child, but then one of my friends told me that there a several other less romantic ways than IVF, and I do have to agree.  It's been a really neat experience that I wouldn't trade.  Being able to see those little embryos at only 5 days old was so incredible.  I've never loved little blobs so much.

They have you do two "Princess Days" following the transfer, which basically means they want you on bed rest.  It was nice to relax, but also kind of horrible, and I started to get major cabin fever after the first day.  We made it through, though, and now we have hit a new kind of miserable.

There is a ten day waiting period before they do a pregnancy test.  I am on day 7 right now and I am dying.  I can be in a perfectly good mood, and then suddenly I'm not, and I'm bawling my eyes out.  The hormones.  What a blast!  The anxiety of not knowing yet if it took, a real blast!  Sometimes I feel like I am being systematically tortured.  So, you pay all of this money and your child is conceived in a test tube, and then you STILL have to wait the 10 days for a pregnancy test?? It's pure torture.  To all of you out there who have made it through one or more rounds of IVF, my hat goes off to you.  I had no idea that it could be this bad.

My skin has changed.  What has normally been on the dry side, is now on the greasy side.  I've popped more tiny white zits than I can count.

I.  Am.  Starving.  Which isn't totally out of the ordinary, but this is like middle-of-the-night hunger where I am frantic for food.

I am sweating all the time.  I've never enjoyed a hot bath less.  Sweaters, yuck.  That heating pad that was so wonderfully delicious that day, has lost it's savor.

Weepy.  I am a true weeper.  Leave me alone in my room and I am sobbing crocodile tears in the blink of an eye.

Pinch me, I dare you.

Also, don't cross me.  I'm more irritable than a bowel.

Don't even look at me wrong.  I WILL be offended.

And the bloating.  I try and tell Cory to be grateful for the gas, that it's a good sign, but I don't think I have him convinced quite yet. :) #gratefulforgas

All I'm saying, is you might want to steer clear of me.  I've now decided to pick up a chest cold, which is great because I've already been on 2 Z-packs this month because they didn't want me to get sick.  And now I may (better) be pregnant, and I am scared to take anything.  Grrreat. This afternoon I thought, I'm going to make myself some honey and lemon tea.  Then, when I went to drink it I was too hot to even finish it.  Like seriously, this typing is making me sweat.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???

I'll just be over here on a mood swing, with my dogs, until next time.

Thanks for stopping by!

Em

IVF Week 3

Week 3.  I began three shots a day at the beginning of the week.  I continued with the Lupron I'd been doing for the previous two weeks, and then they added Gonal F and Menopur, which are both follicle stimulating hormones that basically force your ovaries to start maturing eggs. The first few days were a DOOZY and caused some major bruising, but beyond that, I began giving them to myself and they weren't nearly as bad.  I did wig out one day after I had attempted to put the needle to my belly a good ten times with no luck and 7 little blood spots later, and I called Cory down and made him do it.  He injected too quickly and I had a hefty bruise from that one.  That was the first, and only, time I cried with shots.  Tears began to pour.  Poor, poor Cory.  But poorer me. :)

The tricks I found to ease the discomfort of injections were icing it first (thanks mom!), going really slow with the injection so I wouldn't bruise, and listening to music to take my mind off things.  The bruising was pretty sore, which was super fun.  I began calling them my "baby battle wounds!" My garment line and seat belt loved hitting right on them, and every time our giant golden doodle, Indy, would jump on me she would hit them.  It was pretty miserable. haha Needless to say, I am so grateful we got the shots figured out.  I was beginning to wonder if my stomach would ever be one color again.  It's still not, but we are getting there. Now, I am never one to post pictures of my body.  I'm super uncomfortable with the situation, BUT I really want my children to know what I went through to get them here, and so I wrote over most of my stomach. haha! But you get the gist of the bruising, right? And do you see all those prick marks on the other side? Yep. Those are not freckles. #life 

Around day 4 of the follicle stimulating shots I began to feel my ovaries getting to work.  I kind of imagine them like little factories just producing tons of follicles.  I wasn't super uncomfortable at that point... yet.  By day 7, which was Saturday, I was basically dying.  Waddling around like an oompa loompa because, yep, there's an ovary over each leg and every step is extremely jarring.  If you've been through this before,  you know exactly what I am talking about.  My insides literally feel like they are being stretched to the limit.  And when I went in for one of my ultrasounds on Sunday, the nurse told me that my ovaries had tripled in size and are pushing on my bladder.  It sounds like pregnancy, but there is no growing baby inside.  There are just tons of half babies maturing and waiting to be fertilized.  It's kind of adorable if you take the discomfort out of it. :)  My little eggies. Making their debut just in time for Easter!

It was so much fun seeing all the growing follicles up on the screen and thinking that each one of them could be our future babies. Each black pocket is one giant follicle. My ovaries looked like massive honeycombs. Our sweet nurse was so validating when I told her all of my issues.  She has been through IVF 3 times with no luck.  No wonder I love her so much-- it's always the ones that have been in the trenches that seem to be the sweetest.  

When we asked her what her thoughts were on getting genetic testing done on our embryos she was so helpful.  She explained that with us being as young as we are that she didn't think it was necessary to spend the $3,000 to have them tested.  It was comforting to hear that and eased some of my worries in that regard.  I feel like the staff at our fertility center is becoming my family.  Every time I walk in I'm like, "I'm home!" Gosh, it's like I've been there so often, it's beginning to feel that way. 

I had to go in for ultrasounds and blood work on Friday, Sunday, and Monday and I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather have a vaginal ultrasound that have my arm pricked one more freaking time.  I must be such a baby, but my heart starts pounding and my hands get SO clammy every time they draw my blood.  Seriously.  I never thought I would get to this point.  By now, whenever they tell me to "undress from the waist down" I'm like, "I know the drill...See you in a minute!" and I am not one bit nervous.  It's craziness. 

How have I felt physically during week 3? Just exhausted.  I'm the same old forgetful girl. Nothing has changed much in that department, other than the pregnant-looking, hard as rock, distended belly.  

Things that have gotten me through this week:

-My mom.  Cory was out of town from Tuesday-Friday, and my mom literally saved me from having a meltdown.  

-Music.  I know I said this one last week, but sue me.  Celine Dion was one of the major faves this week.  Did you know she had to do IVF seven times to get her sons?? I love her even more now. Like I said, people that have been in the trenches...

-Baths. Ain't nothinn' soothes those pounding ovaries like a good sit in the tub.  It's my other home away from home. 

Okay, it seems that not much has changed as far as what gets me through the day.  I'm pretty sure these are all the same things that I put last week.  What can I say, I am a creature of habit. 

Something dumb I did this week? I almost backed into one of our cars with our other car. What?? Literally, I looked back and I was an inch from hitting it. Thank the HIGH heavens that, for what ever reason, I had decided to put my foot on the brake.  That was the last thing we needed.  What a tender mercy!

I had an epiphany as I was driving home this week.  I was in my car by myself and singing along to the radio, and I had this thought-- I can be going through trials and still feel like myself. I still felt happy and in a good mood.  We are not our trials.  I am not infertility!  We are so much more than our circumstances- it's how we act in our circumstances! It's so hard not to get so caught up in the daily grind of this, and although I've had some extremely "off" days and my moments of sorrow, for the most part I've felt pretty dang okay.  

It's because we all live under this blanket of grace that the Savior so willingly provided. The atonement.  A free gift.  He helps us get through our lives and our trials because "He knows how to succor his people according to their infirmities."  I've felt my burden lightened so much through this process and I know it is because of Him. 

He has blessed me with faith and hope.  He's blessed me in so many countless ways.  

Time has flown.  To me, that has been one of my greatest blessings through all of this. 

And may it continue to fly!

Truthfully, I mean it when I say that this process hasn't been nearly as bad as I had thought it would.  For that I am so grateful and I pray that that continues to be the case! 

IVF Week 2

Week 2 of treatment came and went and there were a plethora of fun things that happened. Poor Cory.

We had to take in our 4Runner for maintenance this week.  So Cory called and made an appointment and then twenty minutes before we were supposed to leave he decided to go help a friend move a fridge.  Now that was all fine and dandy until I realized that he had taken our other car.  I know, I know, it doesn't seem like much, but believe me... it was.  So here I am driving the squeaky maintenance car while I go meet Cory so that we could drive over together.  By this point I am mad. He knew I wanted him to take the other car, and DE-liberately decided to annoy me (which is NOT hard!). So he follows me over to the dealership and is trying to motion through the window exactly where I am supposed to take the car and blah blah.  I'm getting so stressed by this point and all the annoying car salesman are eyeing me wondering what on earth I am doing.  I'm motioning out the window what an idiot Cory is for not just driving this d*@$ car.  Poor guy.  So we finally get it figured out and I am so bugged.  It was the wrong day to cross me, and he did.  (I hope you know I am laughing as a write this!) It all sounds so silly, but hear me out people, THESE HORMONES MAKE YOU CRAZY! Not all the time, but the times they do- WATCH OUT! 

Fast forward.. I can't remember if it was the same day, or the following day, but Cory was in the line of fire again.  I can't remember why, but I'm sure it was because he was in the wrong. :) My mom, Cory and I were sitting at her house trying to decide what we wanted to do for dinner.  We'd had these Olive Garden gift cards absolutely BURNING a hole in Cory's pocket for months, and I am not a huge fan, but being the angel (haha) that I am, I was like, "Oh yeah, sure, I'll go!" to which Cory replied, "Heidi, why don't you come with us to be the buffer?" BAHAHAHAHA Yep. My mom came on our date to save Cory and we had a gay old time.  Thanks mom, you really are a gem. 

Following the OG, my mom and I sent Cory on his merry way home, and we took a trip to Hobby Lobby in search of a puzzle to help get my mind off things.  We roamed the aisles and it was swell up until I saw a pregnant girl with a toddler and I totally judged her for being pregnant. I wanted to go up to her and say, "So I know it's pretty straight forward, but HOW ON EARTH did that baby get in your belly? And how do I get one in mine??" I'm sure she would've loved to have a birds and the bees chat with me in the middle of the store. 

Early in the week I had a major meltdown.  Life came crashing down and tears were shed and I was in the middle of bawling my eyes out (at my parent's house as usual) and Cory said, "I got my semen analysis back! Do you want to see the results!?" And I was thrilled.  There's nothing like a good semen result to pull you out of a funk.  No more tears were shed that day. 

Our anniversary was on Wednesday and my mom watched our dogs and we took a mini road trip down to the Little Sahara sand dunes to take some bridals, it's tradition.  Our friend designs wedding dresses and she was kind enough to let us take one and go shoot.  It was SO fun! We listened to some good ol' Kenny G, Kenny Loggins, and yep, you guessed it, Kenny Rogers on our way down and it was blast.  I've got a thing for Kennys right now. Okay, and Return to Pooh Corner got my heart strings like... Anyway, there wasn't a soul in sight at the dunes, which made it nice when I needed to go to the bathroom.  I just dropped those drawers like it was hot and did my business.  Cory couldn't believe his eyes, but let's be honest, port-a-potties are way worse. AMIRIGHT?? 

Any who, it was a much needed getaway and it was wonderful.  We picked the canines up and drove home to go through the pictures! And as we were going through them Cory was trying to "call" which one he was going to post, which just irked me.  And then he wanted to hurry and edit the ones he wanted and then Chopped Liver could look through the rest of the pictures.  K it wasn't that bad, but it was.  He took his pictures and left me for dead and I just wanted his help.  So I finally got it figured out, alone, mind you, and I airdropped them to myself and I had my post all written up for our anniversary and yep, my phone died.  Who, you ask, did I take it out on? Why Cory, of course.  Poor guy didn't even see it coming.  Tears. Were. Welling. haha He was so sweet.  He's like, "I'm so sorry.  How can I make it up to you?? Do you want to get in bed together and watch Bachelor?" And I'm sheepishly like, "Yeah.." And we did and it was great.  But man, I am telling you guys, when I am done, I am DUN!  My tolerance level, especially at nights, is ZERO! 

Also, here are a few of my faves from our anniversary shoot.  It was so peaceful and enjoyable! 

So many things have happened this week that I just laugh at now.  And I do have to say, even when I am being outrageous, I know it.  And I laugh, but I cannot help it.  It's seriously so hilariously sad.  

Other new things that happened, I got a big purple/green bruise on my belly from a shot.  Its' the first time that happened and holy soreness.  My garment line hits right on the spot and every time Indy jumps on me she hits it and man, it's just been so sore. Can I get some cheese for all this whine??

Things that have gotten me through this week:

-Cory.  As irritating as he is, he totally walks on water.  I'm obsessed with him. 

-My family.  Family time always seems to take my mind off things and get me out of a mood. They are always good for some laughs. Especially when we play Musical Chairs for FHE.  I die. 

-Willie Nelson, Enya, and just music in general.  I listen to them for hours when I take baths and they just soothe this tired, achey (old) soul.  Willie sings a mean harmony. 

-Food.  Costa Vida especially. See's Candy. They just get me. 

-Bed. Gosh darn it, that thing is my best friend.  Whenever possible, I curl up and doze and it is just bliss.  What is life without sleep? Horrible. 

-Prayer.  That's a big one. And the power of positive thinking.  I'm a firm believer in karma, and whatever we throw at the universe, she throws back.  So lots of positive thinking for me, because I want positive things in return. Sue me.   

-Priesthood blessings.  I had my dad and Cory give me blessing right before I had that meltdown I was telling you about.  It was so comforting and talked a lot about having peace and reverence throughout this process.  I had asked for one because I was having some really bad anxiety with my upcoming appointment that I had on Friday (I'll get into the details of that in a minute), and I just wanted to feel comfort.  It was just what I needed, and my dad's voice just soothes me and makes me cry.  Cory and I listened to the blessing again on our way to our appointment on Friday, and it helped me go in there feeling peace and like everything was going to be okay.  I'm such a believer in the power of the priesthood and it has blessed me so much! 

So, first I want to talk about reverence for a moment.  I've been thinking a lot about it ever since my angel dad gave me that blessing.  He talked about how we are working with God to help bring his children into the world!  I hadn't thought of it that way before. What a magnificent blessing! And truly, I have felt the reverence through the process, as I have felt God's hand in my life.  I'm so grateful for modern medicine, and instead of feeling picked on, I've tried to feel more gratitude that we even have this option.  I don't know what we would've done without it! 

I was super anxious about our appointment on Friday morning because she had mentioned to me earlier that if they saw any cysts on my ovaries at that appointment, then we'd have to stop the cycle and wait for them to go away, which could be months.  I was having a really hard time feeling peace. I had some pain in my ovaries, and I have a history of cysts, so I was freaking out.  All this time.  All this money.  I was just PRAYING that we wouldn't have any set backs because Cory is leaving for the summer in a few weeks and I just really wanted this to be out of the way.

We said a prayer together before we left, and on the way we listened to the blessing again, and everything at the appointment went perfectly.  I almost kissed the girl giving me the ultrasound when she said everything looked great.  I went in the bathroom afterward and just thanked my Heavenly Father.  Following the ultrasound was more blood work (joy!), and I found out later that day that my levels were perfect and to proceed with my calendar.  Hallelujah.  So much gratitude!  This trial is really teaching me how to be grateful no matter the circumstance.  Even if I sort of hate it. :) 

I'm also more aware of the angels in my life.  There have been so many people who have come out of the wood work and helped us through this.  So many people. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but truly, my cup runneth over.  

Oh, and I almost forgot to write about how much I forget these days.  That's one of the biggest things I've noticed this week, is how forgetful I am.  I've forgotten that I've invited people over on certain nights, I leave things places because I forget to pick them up.  Seriously, it's bad.  Don't trust me with anything because, no doubt, it will get forgotten.  I apologize in advance. 

Until next week! 

Emmy

IVF Week 1

IVF.

This has been something I have feared for some time, and now that I am actually in the thick of it and shooting myself up every morning with who-knows-what, I am seeing that it is not as bad as I had thought it would be.  Most days... :)

Mark Twain said, "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." 

I am trying so hard to look to the future with eyes of faith and to stay positive! And something that helps me the most through trials, is to find humor in it.  Because let's be honest, if I can't laugh about it I am crying. And my mom always says, "If we have to be here (on planet earth), we might as well have fun!" 

So, I thought it might be fun, and help get my mind off of my craziness, to journal my experiences as I undergo treatments for IVF this month.  I want to remember these experiences, especially the funny ones, that have happened so far.  So here we go!!!

I went in for a water ultrasound last week.  It was a cold, wet day, and I had decided to dress warm.  Go figure.  I had on jeans and a sweater, a beanie, a coat, and YEP, you guessed it, my knee-high rubber Hunter boots. And what does she ask me to do? STEP ON THE SCALE. You are kidding me, right? Why I didn't have the wherewithal to shed some layers is beyond me, but I didn't.  That was mistake number 1. Mistake number 2, you ask? Looking down at the number on the scale.  I was wearing TEN POUNDS of clothing.  That may not seem like much to some of you, but when you are 5'10" and already weigh a lot because of your height, you never want to weigh more than you absolutely have to.  Depressing.  And to follow that up I had to "undress from the waist down," per usual, and get completely violated.  Which, in the end, wasn't all that bad, either.  In fact, the worst part of that visit was the blood draw.  I'm usually completely fine getting my blood drawn, but she must've hit a nerve or something and MAN, I was hurting.  Has anyone ever had that before where it literally hurts the entire time they are drawing blood? No fun.  Then they sent us in for our Plan of Care meeting where she handed me a color-coded calendar of all the meds I need to take and when to start and stop them and when to go in for ultrasounds and more blood work and when to have my eggs "retrieved" and when to stop exercising and blah blah blah.  Holy run-on sentence! It was a bit much.  When she asked if I had any questions I was like, "Ummm... yeah.  I'm just not sure what they are yet..."

She then explained to me that she had ordered our drugs and they would be coming in the mail, and yep, they did.  A huge box of highly expensive drugs and syringes.  Anybody who has received this box before knows how overwhelming it looks.  We've sort of sorted through it and kind of know what everything is at this point.  Kind of.  

I had to start my shots last Sunday morning, which meant that I did not sleep a wink on Saturday night.  I was sick to my stomach I was so nervous.  And to add insult to injury, I had to teach Relief Society at 8:30am.  I. Was. Frazzled.   In fact, I'm not exactly sure who even taught my lesson.  I'm fairly certain it was an out of body experience.  But back to the shots, I posted a video of it to my story on Instagram, and I was pretty proud of myself for being such a big girl and not crying. haha So that was great! Yet again, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. 

However, let me be perfectly clear, THIS IS NOT MY FIRST CHOICE! I do not enjoy the shots, thank you very much. (I have yet to meet someone who does enjoy shots!)  But, I am putting on my big girl panties, which seem to be getting tighter due to excessive amounts of bloat, and I am checking days off the calendar.  

One day in particular, after Cory had given me the shot, he told me I was his hero.  Silver lining.  As much as this stinks, I try hard to find the positive in all of it. Our relationship as been strengthened and he's had to pick up a lot of slack, and for that I am so grateful! 

So let's talk about these drugs for a minute..  The ones I am on right now are hormone suppressors.  Don't ask me why.  At this point, I am doing as I am told. But OH MY GOODNESS am I tired. The first few nights I found refuge as I slept like the dead, but a new symptom of no sleeping has set in, and I must say, the sleeping was much more fun..  Oh, and go figure, but ever since I've had a hard time sleeping, I have also had a harder time being nice. So now the cranky and intolerable side of me has begun to take over.  Joy! It's just getting more fun by the minute.  

That being said, I never thought I would be at this point.  I am a week into shots, and lo and behold, I am still alive, like so many other women before me.  Lucky for me, I tend to save my outbursts for my hubby (not so lucky for him!).  We've hung out with friends and I haven't snapped at anyone yet.  Go me!  Is it bad to say that I am so proud of myself??  

Cory and I decided to hit up the gym this week because I just want to feel normal.  "Let's work arms," he said.  "I'll help you," he said.  When we got there, he decided to do a "warm up" of push-ups, and of course, I was supposed to follow.  I stuck with the "girl" push-ups so I could actually do a few, and seriously, after like 10, I was pooped.  I was gazing off in to the distance and trying so hard just to keep my eyes open.  It was a doozy.  

We proceeded to work Bis and Tris, and I was sort of able to get my wits about me and finish, but by exercise number 3 I knew I was done.  It was almost like I could feel the tears trying to punch through my eyeballs. We went home. 

Home.  My safe haven. 

Another thing that I have found is that I lose my train of thought.  It's a blast! Like mid sentence with someone and the thought has flown out of my mind and I have to say, "Sorry, I lost my train of thought." Truly. It was super fun in church today when I raised my hand to say something in Sunday school and I was scrambling for words because I forgot what I was going to say.  I almost had to ask him what the question was again, but thankfully the thought was kind enough to come back.  Phew.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, and maybe I am! 

One of the things I have found that has helped me the most, is taking care of me.  If I am tired, I sleep. If I want to take a 2 hour bath (two times a day), I do! If I want to order a large coconut ice cream for myself and not share, I do.  If I don't want to see anyone, I hide.  If I just want to hang out with my mom, I do.  It may sound selfish, but I'm really listening to my body and trying hard not to overdo it.  And recognition is key for me.  If I can recognize my mood in time, I warn Cory not to cross me.  That also seems to help both of us, and helps keep him out of the line of fire.  :)

I've got one more week of just one shot, and beginning next Sunday, it'll be three a day.  So I guess I'll just count my blessings that it is just one this week and I'll try and live it up.  I mean, it is our anniversary, after all! Which means I'm going to have to try my best to be up to par and do a lot of self-talk.  Self- talk helps a lot too.  

Another good thing that happened this week- my dad got Snap Chat! So there's that. 

Welp, I am signing off to go take care of me.  I'm feeling the Sunday night blues and I feel like I might just snap and bawl at any second. Adjectives I would use to describe myself tonight?? Weepy. Overwhelmed. Cranky. Needy.  But mostly just downright fussy. I am a fuss budget.  THANK GOODNESS today (or this month!) isn't forever! 

Here's to hoping this next week goes smoothly for all of us! 

Em

God is for Us

It's not very often that I feel prompted to share things on here, but when I do I jump on it because I want to remember these experiences and, as always, I hope that someone out there needs to read it.

We've been seeing a specialist at the University of Utah that was recommended to me by my OBGYN last winter when we had 4 failed rounds of IUI (intrauterine inseminations).  When he recommended I see a specialist I was completely turned off and didn't feel like it was the right timing. Well, fast forward to July and I was at a standstill and going absolutely crazy.  My husband was gone for work all summer and so the "trying" game had basically been put on hold for 4 months, but I knew he was returning soon and I had been trying to get an answer for what the next step was in our journey.  I had had a consult in June with a different specialist who had recommended certain testing, but I just couldn't feel all the way good about that, either.  I felt like I was at a fork in the road and neither direction looked appealing in the least.  I prayed.  I prayed so hard that I would find the answers I was so earnestly seeking.  I was in my own personal fourth watch and I needed Him to help me more than I've ever needed anything.

Cory came into town for one of our best friend's wedding and I was trying to act fine, but I was super unhappy and I felt like I was sinking into a depression.  Being apart all summer wasn't helping my case, either, but that's a whole other story.  Anyway, we went up to temple square for the wedding and as Cory was shooting pictures of everyone I got a text from a girl I went to high school with.  Totally random!  In it she shared that she'd been feeling like she needed to tell me about her doctor, Dr. Erica Johnstone!  She wrote the sweetest message and I literally couldn't even believe my eyes.  It was one of the two doctors I had been debating between for months!  It was such an answer to prayer, and I knew it, so I put on my big girl panties and called her office right then and there and scheduled an appointment for two weeks later.  It was such a testimony to me that He really hears our prayers.

We had the appointment and long story short, everything was perfect.  She did a pelvic ultrasound and she was like "Ooh, look at the lining of that uterus!" and "Look at all those egg follicles!" while I'm sitting there secretly wishing she'd find a problem just so she could FIX IT! So maddeningly wonderful. Anyway, we devised a plan, because obviously, even though things look fantastic, we still don't have a baby.  So...

Fast forward a few weeks to today.

Because we hadn't done any IUIs using medication (i.e., Femara-  which BTW made me an absolute monster.  I pray I don't have to take it again), our doctor recommended we try a few more rounds.  I was told to use ovulation predictor kits and call when I got a positive.  I had taken a test in the morning yesterday and got a negative so Cory and I were making all sorts of fun plans for the following day, thinking we weren't going to have to go in until Wednesday.  At 11pm last night I took another test (they tell you to test morning and night) and what in the world, it was positive!  I wanted to punch that smiley face in his happy stupid face because that meant I had to go in the next day and I wasn't mentally prepared. Way to spoil our plans, ovulation.

So today it was.  We headed in for the IUI.  I wasn't super nervous because by now I know the ropes, but I also wasn't feeling super hopeful because, well, by now I know the ropes.  As usual, things took a lot longer than expected and my nerves started to get the better of me.  They finally put us in a room and told me to "undress from the waste down" (It's like- seriously! I know the drill by now).  So there we are sitting in the freezing cold room, I'm nakey under the sheet, vulnerable, semi wanting to die, and the nurse finally walks in.  And she was JUST what the doctor ordered.  Like, I'm not even kidding when I say I almost started crying because she was so sweet to me.  She's like "It is freezing in here! Are you cold?" I replied yes.  She left and came back to two heated blankets and wrapped me up in them.  Then she ran the speculum under warm water so it wouldn't be so cold.  Like seriously, I tear up even thinking about how kind she was.  She told me that I just needed to be relaxed and if the procedure took 30 minutes then that was okay.

Once everything was finished she let us ask her as many questions as we wanted while I was laying there.  As we were chatting she said how amazing it is that anyone can get pregnant because there are so many things working against us;  i.e., hormones, thyroid, pituitary glands, sperm count, etc..  The stars have to line up just right even for fertile Myrtle. What a cheery thought! (Said no one ever.) For a second I felt a little bitter that we have all of these things working against us, and then I had this thought:

But God is for us, so it doesn't matter what is against us.

Infertility is painful.  There is no room for pride when you're dropping your drawers for the world. It's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It's appointment after appointment that only lead to disappointment after disappointment. It's needles and hormones and cramps and let downs and timed sex and negative pregnancy tests and it can all just make you want to check yourself in to the looney bin!  Truly, it just feels like the odds are stacked against us every month.  But as I lay there on that cold table today, wrapped in heated blankets thanks to that angel nurse, the answer came so clearly.  But really, if God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8: 31-32

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

I only hope I can remember this through the coming weeks.  It doesn't mean life isn't still hard, but God is on our side.  And that helps a lot. 

Flowers from the Savior

The thought keeps coming back to me that I need to share an experience I had this past week for Mother's day. But let me preface it with some background information for a minute... or ten. 

All I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother.  So when Mother's Day rolls around each year and it still hasn't happened I secretly mourn while trying to put on my bravest face.  Mother's Day is a mixed bag for me.  I love celebrating all the Mothers in my life, but I long to be one of the ones being celebrated, to be called "mom". 

My husband and I have been "trying" for a little over two years now.  (Although, I'm not sure he'd say it's been that long of actually trying since that's the exact amount of time we've been married. Ha! Good thing I can track my ovulation like a queen! Sucker.)  I remember when we got married and I had decided that I didn't want to go on any birth control and EVERYONE was telling me how crazy I was! "You should have a year of marriage before you start trying." they'd say.  Or "You're fertile Myrtle!  You're gonna get pregnant right away!" As if that's not exactly what I wanted.  To everyone who said anything- joke's on you!  Not everyone CAN get pregnant right away.  And that's where my story begins. 

It's been a rough couple of years.  Ones that I am so beyond grateful for. I've grown closer Cory, I have learned so much, and I have relied on my Savior more than ever because I know that it's only through him that I can find the strength to make it through one (million) more pregnancy announcements, and six million more periods. (Why can't Mother Nature just quietly knock on the door and tell you your'e not pregnant instead of making you bleed and feel like you have the flu and hate everyone?! That'll be one of my first questions.)  I have found that the longer I get into this infertility battle, the less it stings, but that doesn't make it easy.  All we ever see on social media is how someone else is pregnant, but they don't tell you if it was difficult to conceive or not.  I always think that somehow everyone and their dog gets pregnant the first month of trying.  (And if they do- good for them! I don't begrudge anyone!)  I believe that babies come when they are supposed to and my baby is still up in heaven learning lessons and hasn't been ready to come yet.  I really do believe that.  Yet, when there's no little one to snuggle, the days and months can get pretty daunting.  

Yes, we have been tested.  We pass with flying colors EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  "A +"! After 4 rounds of IUI (Intrauterine inseminations) and no luck I started feeling more like an F-.  

I am a bawler.  My poor husband has seen my throw tantrums (I'm a toddler) where there is straight weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.  The stress of it, at times, has been too much to bear.  

I remember last Mother's Day, well-meaning friends and family would say "Next year you'll be a mother."  And all I could think was "Yeah I will be. If I have to do another YEAR of this,  I will literally die."  By the way, it's been another year and I'm still alive, go figure.  But as Mother's Day started rolling around this year, I kind of had a pit in my stomach.  So off I went to my Home away from home: Home Depot.  And there I bought the most lovely hanging flower pots FOR MYSELF for Mother's Day.  My husband is out of town for the summer and I immediately called to thank him for buying me my hanging pots I've always dreamed of having.  And I felt better! For a bit.. 

When Sunday came and I woke up alone, I kept telling myself that I was okay.  I decided that I was not going to play victim this year, and I would send texts and messages to family and friends and tell them how much they meant to me.  Then I peeled myself off my bed and hopped in the shower.  

I was still in my robe, thankfully mostly ready, when my friend called to see if I was home.  I quickly told her yes while muttering a disclaimer that I was still in my robe though, and we hung up.  A couple minutes later she showed up at my door with a pink bouquet of hydrangeas, gave me the BIGGEST hug in the world, and told me that I wasn't forgotten.  I could hardly keep my tears in as I thanked her.  It truly meant so much to me.  And even more so because she just lost her baby girl and I felt like I should've been taking flowers to her.. When she left, I Face-Timed my husband BAWLING and showed him the bouquet they brought.  It was such a tender mercy and I could feel the hand of the Lord in my life. 

Well, fast forward a couple of days and a different friend asked if I would be home later.  She had something to drop off!  We finally nailed down a time that she could come and I had just pulled in when she pulled up.  She got out of her car and what did she hand me??  A BRIGHT PINK BOUQUET OF PEONIES! I was so stunned!  I just gave her a hug and thanked and thanked and thanked her.  She told me she'd been buying flowers for our friend who had just lost her baby (thank heaven someone was listening!) and she kept having the prompting to buy some for me.  (Tears fill my eyes even as I write.)  She put off the prompting for awhile thinking that she didn't need to and that I was fine.  (I second guess promptings all the time.  I always think people will be offended if I draw attention to their trials or something.)  But anyway.. She said the prompting kept coming back and she bought the flowers.  I'm not exactly sure if she actually said this, or if it's just what I heard, but I'm pretty sure she said "The prompting just kept coming back that I needed to buy you flowers.  Heavenly Father wanted you to have flowers for Mother's Day."  #tearjerker  I couldn't stop hugging her.  I probably hugged her 5 times just out in my front yard, and if she was here right now, I'd hug her again!  

We are His hands.  Answers don't usually come through the ceiling, they come knocking at the door.

These experiences were such a testimony to me that He is in the details of my life.  The flowers still sit on my counter and I cannot even think about tossing them out yet.  I received flowers from the Savior on a day that was loaded with emotion and self-pity.  I felt like He was saying "I know it's long and that you're hurting, but I am here, I know how you feel, and I love you."  And you know what?  It helped.  It was exactly what I didn't know I needed.  

I'm forever grateful for true friends who acted in behalf of the Savior.  

-M

Conference Weekend

I love our leaders!  They don't get any cuter than this, do they??

This is one of my favorite times of the whole year.  I love fall and the crisp air that it brings!  One of my favorite things about October (excluding Halloween and the anticipation of my birthday) is when we get to watch General Conference.  I love our sweet prophet, apostles, and leaders and the wonderful words they give us.  I also love that I can watch it from the comfort of my pajamas while I snuggle the weekend away with the biggest hottie there ever was.  :)  

Sooooooo.... In honor of CONFERENCE WEEKEND this weekend I wanted to post one of my all-time favorite videos.

If you haven't already seen this, are you dying??  I've watched it so many times and I laugh harder and harder every time.  My brother Alex does THE best impression of Elder Oaks and it cracks me up.  "The Reeses Peanut Butter cup challenges us to consume..."  bahahaha!  Amen to that! 

This guy nailed their voices ON THE HEAD!  

People- this is a must watch!  

I hope you all have a relaxing weekend full of food, family, and most of all the spirit.  If you do not have a TV watch Conference online at lds.org.  It'll change your life. There are sessions at 10am and 2pm both Saturday and Sunday and Priesthood session for men on Saturday night at 6pm (I believe). You can also find the Young Women's broadcast online as well if you missed it.  It was truly inspired!  

Love you all! 

M