God is for Us

It's not very often that I feel prompted to share things on here, but when I do I jump on it because I want to remember these experiences and, as always, I hope that someone out there needs to read it.

We've been seeing a specialist at the University of Utah that was recommended to me by my OBGYN last winter when we had 4 failed rounds of IUI (intrauterine inseminations).  When he recommended I see a specialist I was completely turned off and didn't feel like it was the right timing. Well, fast forward to July and I was at a standstill and going absolutely crazy.  My husband was gone for work all summer and so the "trying" game had basically been put on hold for 4 months, but I knew he was returning soon and I had been trying to get an answer for what the next step was in our journey.  I had had a consult in June with a different specialist who had recommended certain testing, but I just couldn't feel all the way good about that, either.  I felt like I was at a fork in the road and neither direction looked appealing in the least.  I prayed.  I prayed so hard that I would find the answers I was so earnestly seeking.  I was in my own personal fourth watch and I needed Him to help me more than I've ever needed anything.

Cory came into town for one of our best friend's wedding and I was trying to act fine, but I was super unhappy and I felt like I was sinking into a depression.  Being apart all summer wasn't helping my case, either, but that's a whole other story.  Anyway, we went up to temple square for the wedding and as Cory was shooting pictures of everyone I got a text from a girl I went to high school with.  Totally random!  In it she shared that she'd been feeling like she needed to tell me about her doctor, Dr. Erica Johnstone!  She wrote the sweetest message and I literally couldn't even believe my eyes.  It was one of the two doctors I had been debating between for months!  It was such an answer to prayer, and I knew it, so I put on my big girl panties and called her office right then and there and scheduled an appointment for two weeks later.  It was such a testimony to me that He really hears our prayers.

We had the appointment and long story short, everything was perfect.  She did a pelvic ultrasound and she was like "Ooh, look at the lining of that uterus!" and "Look at all those egg follicles!" while I'm sitting there secretly wishing she'd find a problem just so she could FIX IT! So maddeningly wonderful. Anyway, we devised a plan, because obviously, even though things look fantastic, we still don't have a baby.  So...

Fast forward a few weeks to today.

Because we hadn't done any IUIs using medication (i.e., Femara-  which BTW made me an absolute monster.  I pray I don't have to take it again), our doctor recommended we try a few more rounds.  I was told to use ovulation predictor kits and call when I got a positive.  I had taken a test in the morning yesterday and got a negative so Cory and I were making all sorts of fun plans for the following day, thinking we weren't going to have to go in until Wednesday.  At 11pm last night I took another test (they tell you to test morning and night) and what in the world, it was positive!  I wanted to punch that smiley face in his happy stupid face because that meant I had to go in the next day and I wasn't mentally prepared. Way to spoil our plans, ovulation.

So today it was.  We headed in for the IUI.  I wasn't super nervous because by now I know the ropes, but I also wasn't feeling super hopeful because, well, by now I know the ropes.  As usual, things took a lot longer than expected and my nerves started to get the better of me.  They finally put us in a room and told me to "undress from the waste down" (It's like- seriously! I know the drill by now).  So there we are sitting in the freezing cold room, I'm nakey under the sheet, vulnerable, semi wanting to die, and the nurse finally walks in.  And she was JUST what the doctor ordered.  Like, I'm not even kidding when I say I almost started crying because she was so sweet to me.  She's like "It is freezing in here! Are you cold?" I replied yes.  She left and came back to two heated blankets and wrapped me up in them.  Then she ran the speculum under warm water so it wouldn't be so cold.  Like seriously, I tear up even thinking about how kind she was.  She told me that I just needed to be relaxed and if the procedure took 30 minutes then that was okay.

Once everything was finished she let us ask her as many questions as we wanted while I was laying there.  As we were chatting she said how amazing it is that anyone can get pregnant because there are so many things working against us;  i.e., hormones, thyroid, pituitary glands, sperm count, etc..  The stars have to line up just right even for fertile Myrtle. What a cheery thought! (Said no one ever.) For a second I felt a little bitter that we have all of these things working against us, and then I had this thought:

But God is for us, so it doesn't matter what is against us.

Infertility is painful.  There is no room for pride when you're dropping your drawers for the world. It's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It's appointment after appointment that only lead to disappointment after disappointment. It's needles and hormones and cramps and let downs and timed sex and negative pregnancy tests and it can all just make you want to check yourself in to the looney bin!  Truly, it just feels like the odds are stacked against us every month.  But as I lay there on that cold table today, wrapped in heated blankets thanks to that angel nurse, the answer came so clearly.  But really, if God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8: 31-32

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

I only hope I can remember this through the coming weeks.  It doesn't mean life isn't still hard, but God is on our side.  And that helps a lot.