All I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother. So when Mother's Day rolls around each year and it still hasn't happened I secretly mourn while trying to put on my bravest face. Mother's Day is a mixed bag for me. I love celebrating all the Mothers in my life, but I long to be one of the ones being celebrated, to be called "mom".
My husband and I have been "trying" for a little over two years now. (Although, I'm not sure he'd say it's been that long of actually trying since that's the exact amount of time we've been married. Ha! Good thing I can track my ovulation like a queen! Sucker.) I remember when we got married and I had decided that I didn't want to go on any birth control and EVERYONE was telling me how crazy I was! "You should have a year of marriage before you start trying." they'd say. Or "You're fertile Myrtle! You're gonna get pregnant right away!" As if that's not exactly what I wanted. To everyone who said anything- joke's on you! Not everyone CAN get pregnant right away. And that's where my story begins.
It's been a rough couple of years. Ones that I am so beyond grateful for. I've grown closer Cory, I have learned so much, and I have relied on my Savior more than ever because I know that it's only through him that I can find the strength to make it through one (million) more pregnancy announcements, and six million more periods. (Why can't Mother Nature just quietly knock on the door and tell you your'e not pregnant instead of making you bleed and feel like you have the flu and hate everyone?! That'll be one of my first questions.) I have found that the longer I get into this infertility battle, the less it stings, but that doesn't make it easy. All we ever see on social media is how someone else is pregnant, but they don't tell you if it was difficult to conceive or not. I always think that somehow everyone and their dog gets pregnant the first month of trying. (And if they do- good for them! I don't begrudge anyone!) I believe that babies come when they are supposed to and my baby is still up in heaven learning lessons and hasn't been ready to come yet. I really do believe that. Yet, when there's no little one to snuggle, the days and months can get pretty daunting.
Yes, we have been tested. We pass with flying colors EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. "A +"! After 4 rounds of IUI (Intrauterine inseminations) and no luck I started feeling more like an F-.
I am a bawler. My poor husband has seen my throw tantrums (I'm a toddler) where there is straight weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. The stress of it, at times, has been too much to bear.
I remember last Mother's Day, well-meaning friends and family would say "Next year you'll be a mother." And all I could think was "Yeah I will be. If I have to do another YEAR of this, I will literally die." By the way, it's been another year and I'm still alive, go figure. But as Mother's Day started rolling around this year, I kind of had a pit in my stomach. So off I went to my Home away from home: Home Depot. And there I bought the most lovely hanging flower pots FOR MYSELF for Mother's Day. My husband is out of town for the summer and I immediately called to thank him for buying me my hanging pots I've always dreamed of having. And I felt better! For a bit..
When Sunday came and I woke up alone, I kept telling myself that I was okay. I decided that I was not going to play victim this year, and I would send texts and messages to family and friends and tell them how much they meant to me. Then I peeled myself off my bed and hopped in the shower.
I was still in my robe, thankfully mostly ready, when my friend called to see if I was home. I quickly told her yes while muttering a disclaimer that I was still in my robe though, and we hung up. A couple minutes later she showed up at my door with a pink bouquet of hydrangeas, gave me the BIGGEST hug in the world, and told me that I wasn't forgotten. I could hardly keep my tears in as I thanked her. It truly meant so much to me. And even more so because she just lost her baby girl and I felt like I should've been taking flowers to her.. When she left, I Face-Timed my husband BAWLING and showed him the bouquet they brought. It was such a tender mercy and I could feel the hand of the Lord in my life.
Well, fast forward a couple of days and a different friend asked if I would be home later. She had something to drop off! We finally nailed down a time that she could come and I had just pulled in when she pulled up. She got out of her car and what did she hand me?? A BRIGHT PINK BOUQUET OF PEONIES! I was so stunned! I just gave her a hug and thanked and thanked and thanked her. She told me she'd been buying flowers for our friend who had just lost her baby (thank heaven someone was listening!) and she kept having the prompting to buy some for me. (Tears fill my eyes even as I write.) She put off the prompting for awhile thinking that she didn't need to and that I was fine. (I second guess promptings all the time. I always think people will be offended if I draw attention to their trials or something.) But anyway.. She said the prompting kept coming back and she bought the flowers. I'm not exactly sure if she actually said this, or if it's just what I heard, but I'm pretty sure she said "The prompting just kept coming back that I needed to buy you flowers. Heavenly Father wanted you to have flowers for Mother's Day." #tearjerker I couldn't stop hugging her. I probably hugged her 5 times just out in my front yard, and if she was here right now, I'd hug her again!
We are His hands. Answers don't usually come through the ceiling, they come knocking at the door.
These experiences were such a testimony to me that He is in the details of my life. The flowers still sit on my counter and I cannot even think about tossing them out yet. I received flowers from the Savior on a day that was loaded with emotion and self-pity. I felt like He was saying "I know it's long and that you're hurting, but I am here, I know how you feel, and I love you." And you know what? It helped. It was exactly what I didn't know I needed.
I'm forever grateful for true friends who acted in behalf of the Savior.
-M
