God is for Us

It's not very often that I feel prompted to share things on here, but when I do I jump on it because I want to remember these experiences and, as always, I hope that someone out there needs to read it.

We've been seeing a specialist at the University of Utah that was recommended to me by my OBGYN last winter when we had 4 failed rounds of IUI (intrauterine inseminations).  When he recommended I see a specialist I was completely turned off and didn't feel like it was the right timing. Well, fast forward to July and I was at a standstill and going absolutely crazy.  My husband was gone for work all summer and so the "trying" game had basically been put on hold for 4 months, but I knew he was returning soon and I had been trying to get an answer for what the next step was in our journey.  I had had a consult in June with a different specialist who had recommended certain testing, but I just couldn't feel all the way good about that, either.  I felt like I was at a fork in the road and neither direction looked appealing in the least.  I prayed.  I prayed so hard that I would find the answers I was so earnestly seeking.  I was in my own personal fourth watch and I needed Him to help me more than I've ever needed anything.

Cory came into town for one of our best friend's wedding and I was trying to act fine, but I was super unhappy and I felt like I was sinking into a depression.  Being apart all summer wasn't helping my case, either, but that's a whole other story.  Anyway, we went up to temple square for the wedding and as Cory was shooting pictures of everyone I got a text from a girl I went to high school with.  Totally random!  In it she shared that she'd been feeling like she needed to tell me about her doctor, Dr. Erica Johnstone!  She wrote the sweetest message and I literally couldn't even believe my eyes.  It was one of the two doctors I had been debating between for months!  It was such an answer to prayer, and I knew it, so I put on my big girl panties and called her office right then and there and scheduled an appointment for two weeks later.  It was such a testimony to me that He really hears our prayers.

We had the appointment and long story short, everything was perfect.  She did a pelvic ultrasound and she was like "Ooh, look at the lining of that uterus!" and "Look at all those egg follicles!" while I'm sitting there secretly wishing she'd find a problem just so she could FIX IT! So maddeningly wonderful. Anyway, we devised a plan, because obviously, even though things look fantastic, we still don't have a baby.  So...

Fast forward a few weeks to today.

Because we hadn't done any IUIs using medication (i.e., Femara-  which BTW made me an absolute monster.  I pray I don't have to take it again), our doctor recommended we try a few more rounds.  I was told to use ovulation predictor kits and call when I got a positive.  I had taken a test in the morning yesterday and got a negative so Cory and I were making all sorts of fun plans for the following day, thinking we weren't going to have to go in until Wednesday.  At 11pm last night I took another test (they tell you to test morning and night) and what in the world, it was positive!  I wanted to punch that smiley face in his happy stupid face because that meant I had to go in the next day and I wasn't mentally prepared. Way to spoil our plans, ovulation.

So today it was.  We headed in for the IUI.  I wasn't super nervous because by now I know the ropes, but I also wasn't feeling super hopeful because, well, by now I know the ropes.  As usual, things took a lot longer than expected and my nerves started to get the better of me.  They finally put us in a room and told me to "undress from the waste down" (It's like- seriously! I know the drill by now).  So there we are sitting in the freezing cold room, I'm nakey under the sheet, vulnerable, semi wanting to die, and the nurse finally walks in.  And she was JUST what the doctor ordered.  Like, I'm not even kidding when I say I almost started crying because she was so sweet to me.  She's like "It is freezing in here! Are you cold?" I replied yes.  She left and came back to two heated blankets and wrapped me up in them.  Then she ran the speculum under warm water so it wouldn't be so cold.  Like seriously, I tear up even thinking about how kind she was.  She told me that I just needed to be relaxed and if the procedure took 30 minutes then that was okay.

Once everything was finished she let us ask her as many questions as we wanted while I was laying there.  As we were chatting she said how amazing it is that anyone can get pregnant because there are so many things working against us;  i.e., hormones, thyroid, pituitary glands, sperm count, etc..  The stars have to line up just right even for fertile Myrtle. What a cheery thought! (Said no one ever.) For a second I felt a little bitter that we have all of these things working against us, and then I had this thought:

But God is for us, so it doesn't matter what is against us.

Infertility is painful.  There is no room for pride when you're dropping your drawers for the world. It's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It's appointment after appointment that only lead to disappointment after disappointment. It's needles and hormones and cramps and let downs and timed sex and negative pregnancy tests and it can all just make you want to check yourself in to the looney bin!  Truly, it just feels like the odds are stacked against us every month.  But as I lay there on that cold table today, wrapped in heated blankets thanks to that angel nurse, the answer came so clearly.  But really, if God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8: 31-32

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

I only hope I can remember this through the coming weeks.  It doesn't mean life isn't still hard, but God is on our side.  And that helps a lot. 

Flowers from the Savior

The thought keeps coming back to me that I need to share an experience I had this past week for Mother's day. But let me preface it with some background information for a minute... or ten. 

All I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother.  So when Mother's Day rolls around each year and it still hasn't happened I secretly mourn while trying to put on my bravest face.  Mother's Day is a mixed bag for me.  I love celebrating all the Mothers in my life, but I long to be one of the ones being celebrated, to be called "mom". 

My husband and I have been "trying" for a little over two years now.  (Although, I'm not sure he'd say it's been that long of actually trying since that's the exact amount of time we've been married. Ha! Good thing I can track my ovulation like a queen! Sucker.)  I remember when we got married and I had decided that I didn't want to go on any birth control and EVERYONE was telling me how crazy I was! "You should have a year of marriage before you start trying." they'd say.  Or "You're fertile Myrtle!  You're gonna get pregnant right away!" As if that's not exactly what I wanted.  To everyone who said anything- joke's on you!  Not everyone CAN get pregnant right away.  And that's where my story begins. 

It's been a rough couple of years.  Ones that I am so beyond grateful for. I've grown closer Cory, I have learned so much, and I have relied on my Savior more than ever because I know that it's only through him that I can find the strength to make it through one (million) more pregnancy announcements, and six million more periods. (Why can't Mother Nature just quietly knock on the door and tell you your'e not pregnant instead of making you bleed and feel like you have the flu and hate everyone?! That'll be one of my first questions.)  I have found that the longer I get into this infertility battle, the less it stings, but that doesn't make it easy.  All we ever see on social media is how someone else is pregnant, but they don't tell you if it was difficult to conceive or not.  I always think that somehow everyone and their dog gets pregnant the first month of trying.  (And if they do- good for them! I don't begrudge anyone!)  I believe that babies come when they are supposed to and my baby is still up in heaven learning lessons and hasn't been ready to come yet.  I really do believe that.  Yet, when there's no little one to snuggle, the days and months can get pretty daunting.  

Yes, we have been tested.  We pass with flying colors EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  "A +"! After 4 rounds of IUI (Intrauterine inseminations) and no luck I started feeling more like an F-.  

I am a bawler.  My poor husband has seen my throw tantrums (I'm a toddler) where there is straight weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.  The stress of it, at times, has been too much to bear.  

I remember last Mother's Day, well-meaning friends and family would say "Next year you'll be a mother."  And all I could think was "Yeah I will be. If I have to do another YEAR of this,  I will literally die."  By the way, it's been another year and I'm still alive, go figure.  But as Mother's Day started rolling around this year, I kind of had a pit in my stomach.  So off I went to my Home away from home: Home Depot.  And there I bought the most lovely hanging flower pots FOR MYSELF for Mother's Day.  My husband is out of town for the summer and I immediately called to thank him for buying me my hanging pots I've always dreamed of having.  And I felt better! For a bit.. 

When Sunday came and I woke up alone, I kept telling myself that I was okay.  I decided that I was not going to play victim this year, and I would send texts and messages to family and friends and tell them how much they meant to me.  Then I peeled myself off my bed and hopped in the shower.  

I was still in my robe, thankfully mostly ready, when my friend called to see if I was home.  I quickly told her yes while muttering a disclaimer that I was still in my robe though, and we hung up.  A couple minutes later she showed up at my door with a pink bouquet of hydrangeas, gave me the BIGGEST hug in the world, and told me that I wasn't forgotten.  I could hardly keep my tears in as I thanked her.  It truly meant so much to me.  And even more so because she just lost her baby girl and I felt like I should've been taking flowers to her.. When she left, I Face-Timed my husband BAWLING and showed him the bouquet they brought.  It was such a tender mercy and I could feel the hand of the Lord in my life. 

Well, fast forward a couple of days and a different friend asked if I would be home later.  She had something to drop off!  We finally nailed down a time that she could come and I had just pulled in when she pulled up.  She got out of her car and what did she hand me??  A BRIGHT PINK BOUQUET OF PEONIES! I was so stunned!  I just gave her a hug and thanked and thanked and thanked her.  She told me she'd been buying flowers for our friend who had just lost her baby (thank heaven someone was listening!) and she kept having the prompting to buy some for me.  (Tears fill my eyes even as I write.)  She put off the prompting for awhile thinking that she didn't need to and that I was fine.  (I second guess promptings all the time.  I always think people will be offended if I draw attention to their trials or something.)  But anyway.. She said the prompting kept coming back and she bought the flowers.  I'm not exactly sure if she actually said this, or if it's just what I heard, but I'm pretty sure she said "The prompting just kept coming back that I needed to buy you flowers.  Heavenly Father wanted you to have flowers for Mother's Day."  #tearjerker  I couldn't stop hugging her.  I probably hugged her 5 times just out in my front yard, and if she was here right now, I'd hug her again!  

We are His hands.  Answers don't usually come through the ceiling, they come knocking at the door.

These experiences were such a testimony to me that He is in the details of my life.  The flowers still sit on my counter and I cannot even think about tossing them out yet.  I received flowers from the Savior on a day that was loaded with emotion and self-pity.  I felt like He was saying "I know it's long and that you're hurting, but I am here, I know how you feel, and I love you."  And you know what?  It helped.  It was exactly what I didn't know I needed.  

I'm forever grateful for true friends who acted in behalf of the Savior.  

-M